Beyond Disordered Eating

My new resolve to write a book about breaking out of a diet is having a whiplash effect. Perhaps this blog may be the journal that will get me there. My prayers of late to recover fully from the diet mentality "for the benefit of all beings" seem to have widened my belly more than I was ready for, or at least for now.

I have made a few recent commitments to myself:
#1 no coaching until I have 30 days of sleep
#2 no planning meals
#3 no food is illegal

Tonight seemed like the perfect night for sleep. I had a couple of really good yoga practices today, a full day of teacher training, a bit of ocean air in Orange County, an evening in Irvine at the largest Whole Foods in the country and then reading Buddhist magazines at Borders and then home to conk out. Conking only lasted an hour before I was up again. What is this night time eating really? Well, tonite I was sure I was going to break the cycle only be back in the saddle again, in my new life beyond orthorexia. Having access to all of the healthy, delicious, raw vegan food is not helping. I would really like to stick with my vegan diet, but a part of me is trying to break out of having rules.

Breaking free from a diet can be one of the most uncomfortable but liberating experiences known to man or woman. I am sitting in bed writing this, after a night long exploration into the bins of sugar-filled cheese caked pantry land. I have raided a closet that is not even mine, in order that I feel some bit of pain that I can't even sit through, much longer decided what it is due to not having been with myself ever for longer than to be awake and taste the food that is coming in to deter me from the pain.

Tonight it was 3 rice cakes, an avocado, a chunk of cheese (brie and gouda), 1/2 of a real bagel, 1 piece of Taiwanese rice cake, 1/4 cup goji berries, 2 cups granola, 2 chocolate puddings, 7 chocolates, 1 large chunk peppermint bark, 1 cup orange juice and pineapple, to help digest the fat. Can that be all? All that? And then what? And then there is now and I honestly have no clue why I did what I did other than to know I am not sure what life will bring tomorrow. Perhaps that is why I do it. Fear of the unknown. Perhaps that is a load of crap and really, I am just feeding an emptiness inside that one day will recognize food and be able to separate love.

I am a living testimony to the power of intention. What you think you are, you shall become. So, in yoga these days (which is every day), I seem to think I am all-belly, and gradually expanding by the day. I have also convinced myself that my thyroid is no longer functioning and that I might as well be Oprah. There is nothing wrong with Oprah, by the way, most days, I want to be her, and today, I think I am her. At least the recent weight has broadened my vision and kept me exploring. If I were still eating brown rice and tofu and kale every meal, I would still be doing what I always did and seeing the world through the lens of what they're eating that is causing them pain, struggle and weight. What's eating me other than what I'm not eating right now, or eating that is causing air to stagnate in my belly?

Principles of breaking free from a diet (soon to appear in a full book!)

1--Lighten the significance. Don't make eating such a big deal. As my friend, Jenni Schaefer says: "Just eat!" and I add onto that one: "and get over it!".
2--Do not do what will have to be undone. I find this especially helpful for breakign free from bulimic tendencies. Eat what will not have to be gotten rid of! So, if you are going to eat the cookies, do so and let it go1 Or if they are going to caue you guilt and to have to spend extra time at the gym--move on! Do not waste your time getting rid of calories!
3--Let food be thy medicine, however, you are not sick!
4--Make each bite delicious
5--Eat as if in full view of others

En route to writing the full book, for the next 30 days, as I attempt to eat whatever I want, I will make sure to log what I am eating when, where and how. For today, it wa squite a day. I had a raw vegan quiche and pineapple for brunch, lara bar for snack, rice and indian lentils and artichokes for dinner with a bite of raw vegan chocolate and see above for the 2,000 extra calories that a part of me felt entitled to, in order that I smash every ounce of good inside of me and avoid making eye contact with the world tomorrow.

How we eat effects so much of our lives, especially our ability to relate, or not-so, to others. I am making a new resolve, to eat as if I really love myself and to love others the best I know how. This all starts with how I treat myself. Food is included and is a high priority in my self-care plan.

Are you with me on this? Taking care of ourselves is key to having a healthy life. Want to join me in the challenge to break free from the diet mentality, to make each bite--and day--delicious? To eat and get over it, but be sure that it is not something that will cause us harm? I dare you! Check back here for updates on what I am doing to grow through the diet mentality and live beyond disordered eating.

All the best,
Waller