Why Weight?

I was reminded this week that I had not been meditating. For me, that is usually not such a big deal, since I was committed to meditation for 4 years or so every day, sometimes twice. But in the past 5 months, I have not meditated one time. At the same time, my life took off in every direction possible. I attempted to move to Santa Fe, Vancouver, considered Hawaii and should be in New York today if my mind was in control. Unfortunately, my mind has been a bit out of control and I have done a very unique dance around what is.

Indeed what has shown up since I set aside meditation is a bit of chaos, but I am grateful for the truths that have been revealed to me and look forward to the opportunity to sit through this next segment of life and digest what I have learned to assimilate the damage. It is only by allowing the pain to be there, the darkness, the stuff that is truly frightening that we are able to grow up and transform. After years of struggling with anorexia and bulimia, I have given up the struggle. In the process, I have had to sit through more shame and guilt than I ever though possible, only to watch it pass by, as if I am a bystander and it is a circus that comes to town, and then goes. I learn that by allowing the show to go on, acknowledging its presence, that it has less of a pull on me.

Here is how it goes.
I made a mistake. (Eating Disorder: I ate too much food) I get over it. I see someone who reminds me that perhaps I am too large for my skin. I question reality. Who's judging really? I acknowledge that this is not my story, that this is a limiting perspective that once I used to keep me safe, but that it is not true any longer.

How true is it really that you are fat or that you need to lose weight?
Wouldn't it feel better to love yourself as you are and to take right now to relax just a bit, allowing all the energy inside of you to assimilate and let go of thinking there is something wrong with you?

There is something wrong with society, in case you haven't gotten the memo.

There is something wrong with mothers putting their daughters on diets, or keenly picking apart their daughter's bodies or mirroring to them that they need to be hyper aware of their size in order to be loved. There is something wrong with models being a size zero, letting our youth know to never grow up and become a woman with curves.

If you have a voice within that is telling you there is something wrong with you, turn it around. Shake it out of you and into where it belongs. Whomever told you there was anything wrong with who or what you are, get really mad at them (not with them, but perhaps have a conversation in your head with them, or beat the hell out of the bed). There is something wrong with someone telling you how to live your life.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

By letting go of who we think we should be, we are able to become who we are really. Recovery is not about being perfect, nor is life about always knowing what to do, who we are, or where to go. Sometimes, just sitting and being quit is what we need. Sometimes we need to take mroe action. But for the most part, recovery is a dance individual to each of us. If you are struggling, reach out, for the struggle is the blessing and by asking for help, we are able to transform our perhaps limiting perspective and onto the light. Make sure you have people in your life who don't mind you being real, having faults, and who are not constantly trying to fix you. The people who shame you are the ones who don't matter for your recovery. Be the blessing that you are by putting the secrets of your shame out there to people who can love you up until you love yourself.

You are precious. Don't wait to live life. Until you love yourself, relax and reach out to those who see you and who don't mind sharing their experience of life with you. Keep your face to the sun, to the light, and acknowledge the shadows in order to awaken to your radiance.

Splitting Up and Letting Go

My story has involved food for a really long time. It has been me and food, me and the latest fitness trend. Me and cooking for me and sleeping with me and food and waking with me and shame and severe embarrassment based on what I ate while I should have been sleeping and how I am never going to get out of this nightmare please help me Jesus! Wooha! I can't breathe, can you?

Lately, it's been a bit insane. So, I set out on an adventure in intuitive eating, and it's been a bit of a mad house. I used to wonder why I wanted to kill myself and so used food to act out a really tragic love story between a really cool girl and the love of her life: food. I used to think the tragedy was over once I gave up being bulimic a few years ago. If you have ever transcended the urge to vomit after you eat, I know how hard it can be, but rewarding at the same time. I went years binging and not purging, having absolutely no desire to do so, as if it left me altogether, so if you are reading this and still struggling, I promise you that there is a solution. I don't have it for you, but I am more than happy to share my experience with you. You can email me at waller@createradiance.com.

So no more vomiting. No more restriction. What's left? Is this monstrous appetite that seems to be growing more and more each day. As I do so, I acknowledge the areas that are lacking: no intimacy. Mmm. Food tastes even better. No sex. Not in many years. Don't tell. The food tastes really good.

I am working on a cookbook to exhibit my love affair with food. At least perhaps it will help to put this segment of life behind me. I hope so! Stay tuned for the release of Recipes for Radiance due to be out by the end of the year. It's going to be really juicy, filled with inspiration and guidance on how to cook to balance your energy, mood and life.