This Mindful Recovery

Springtime is the season where we are processing anger. It is a time when the body is wanting to leap up after a winter's rest, and for some of us that may come with resistance. The anger is responsible for detoxification, and the alternative mode is harboring anger, guilt, overwhelming emotions and feeling "stuck in a rut". The way out? Is through the feelings, practicing a more mindful life and living a delicate balance to achieve serenity.

In my personal struggle with my weight, as well as in the work I do with others, mindfulness is a key factor in my daily recovery. If I am not mindful, if I take my mind off of my intention to be healthy and happy, to feel better every day - then I go overboard and want to check out. This is in opposition to waking up. Mindfulness is waking up to the moment, to the resistance, to the tension. Moving through it by breathing into sensation in order to become present to what is. Mindfulness can only be practiced in the here and now, and doing so leads to a deeper and more meaningful existence. Imagine yourself making contact with the ground and then try to make contact with the ground. Does the imagining feel less severe and perhaps more effortless?

Mindfulness is a way, an embodiment, a personal resolution to embody. We all do so naturally when you allow yourself to enjoy doing what you are doing, such as riding a horse, eating a meal with friends, listening to a partner, digging in the dirt. The problem comes when we do what we do mindlessly, and forget the importance of making contact with the present moment. Each moment builds on the one before, and the practice of mindfulness invites a state of truth and love to emerge from within, rather than a state of doing, judging, and avoiding being, all which leads to a denial of the inner eco system.

Inside of the body there are the keys to our healing. I am convinced, after 12 years of battling food and weight, that the answer does not lie in the food I eat or how much I weigh. I can fight this all day long, by believing my mind when it tells me how awful I look, or when I think other people are judging me, to believe them. This, my friend, creates a negative thought loop which is not really true. In essence, it is meaningless information on the path to wholeness and to creating freedom from a food and weight obsession. After years of being a psychotic macrobiotic vegan, I wish I could say I know how to fix your body with food (b/c a part of me agrees), but if the mind does not believe the body is healthy as it is, then it will continue to use food to be fixed and break down, fixed and break down, again and again. I have tried this and it never works.

What is mindfulness and how can it help overcome eating disorders, food and weight obsessions, addictions and compulsions?

I taught myself to be mindful with food through one simple platform (and you can too!). It is, however a way, and there are many ways. This one works and I recommend having many philosophies around food that work for you.

• Eat for the next segment of time. What you eat now will give you the juice to thrive for the afternoon, morning, night and not for the rest of your life. You can always eat again, even if that is in one hour or is not a specified meal or snack time. Does this sound overly simplistic? It may, however if you are or have ever struggled with binging or eating compulsively, you may understand that sometimes you eat for a few days in one sitting. This makes no sense, and there are ways to make sense of it, AND I recommend having ideas, patterns, intentions, motivational talks inside of your mind and body that keep you focused on the results you would like to achieve.
  
• Chew well. This does not mean 100x per bite (however, I used to do this and it works!). Chew when you remember, and work to remember to chew as much as possible.
  
• Eat as if in full view of others (thanks, Geneen Roth!!). Or eat as if you are surrounded by your most beloved friends and mentors. Would you stand up eating @ the refrigerator if a client or new friend came over? This works. It may also help you set the table - clear the space around you for a peaceful meal. Prevent you from watching tv or being on the computer while eating. And is practical advice for eating anywhere in the world. I don't want to eat in the car, do you?
  

More to come on mindfulness, for now, be here, not there, it's the only way to become who you really are and embody your potential.

Warmly,
Waller

Recover Your Radiance

I am so excited to be working on a new ebook called Recover Your Radiance: Transform Your Story to Reform the World. Recover Your Radiance is a guidebook along the road of transition where there are no mistakes, but learning curves which offer an invitation to grow beyond our comfort zone by embracing change and moving forward into possibility. My experience of recovering from anorexia, bulimia and severe depression and anxiety which nearly took my life taught me many things about the process of transformation. After years of witnessing myself caught in a story of my own creation, I committed myself to breaking apart the lies I told myself which kept me sick.

Recover Your Radiance will guide you through a proven and workable method of uncovering resistance, discovering your authentic self and recovering your birthright: wealth, happiness and radiant well being.

The book offers processes to balance the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of life which work together to create our authenticity. Socrates said: "The unexamined life is not worth living." And who are you to think that you are less than your potential?

We all walk around with voices inside that hold us back, that try to tear us down, or that build us up to the point of keeping us separate and unaware of the truth of our existence. Hanging out in the place of knowing blocks us from learning, yet not knowing can keep us from taking action that aligns with our values. Recover Your Radiance tears apart what you may not even notice is keeping you stuck by acknowledging the brokenness, the sick and dark parts of ourselves which keep us in hiding until we are forced to let them go.
1. Let Go
2. Define the Breakdown
3. Envision Your Gift
4. Clarify Your Vision
5. Explore the Newness of Life
6. Recover Your Radiance

Within these steps, the book breaks down the parts of ourselves that need to shed in order to open to recieve guidance and connection to our authentic self. Our bodies are constantly seeking expression, our voices need to be heard and our unique and individual process is necessary in the evolution of the greatest good for all. The world is waiting for you to awaken to your radiance. Stay tuned for more ways to wake up to your ability to create radiance.

Meditation for Recovering Your Radiance:
If you notice yourself believing something that you know is not really true, such as:
I am not good enough. I should be more, better. I need help. I cannot take care of myself. I am broken. (any or all of which may lead to a dark place)
Come to sitting comfortably. See the belief and the part of you that gets triggered by the belief. Perhaps it leads you to act in a way that is less than nourishing to your body. Perhaps you make choices that are not in alignment with your values and leave an echo of unworthiness.
Visualize this part of you and invite it to come sitting in front of you. See the negative parts of you and notice how it feels/looks/acts and how you react to it's presence. Ask it to tell you the story of it's pain. Listen with open ears and an open mind. Don't judge, but become fascinated with everything it has to say. As you do so, allow yourself to grow further and further away from this part of you. Acknowledge it's presence by saying: That's interesting, and then what? Let it talk back to you. You may notice an endless story of overwhelming pain and struggle. You may notice that by giving it breathing room, you are cutting off your own source of wellbeing.

There is a never ending story of our own creation that is trying to kill us. There is a choice, to listen to the voices within that tell us who we think we are, or to step out in faith by accessing our authentic self and come together offering value from our heart to the hearts of others. Your life is meant to be a blessing, and there is a calling deep within each of us that is constantly reminding us of who we can be. Let go of the rest, the smoke in the mirror, the stuff that gets caught when you make a mistake, or when you cannot decide who you want to be. And do your best. We cannot think ourselves into right acting, but we can act ourselves into right thinking and the mind is a powerful place to start envisioning ourselves opening up to become powerful creators of radiance inside and out.

You are How, What, When, Where and Why You Eat

Thanks to Geneen Roth and her new book, Women, Food and God, and specifically her latest Huffington Post article for the inspiration in discovering how our relationship with food is a metaphor for our relationship with life.

Geneen mentions briefly that she had to give up sneaking, stuffing, standing up, in the car eating in order to discover life. Her mission in life is to help women give up dieting and learn to be gentle and loving with themselves. The two are completely interconnected, and if you need clarification, I recommend reading any of her bestselling books, including, When Food is Love, and When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair.

I can completely relate to her process, and have made many commitments to give up careless, mindless eating, yet have not overcome the root of my behaviors. I can focus on giving them up, but then daily am tossing and turning to avoid the guilt and shame that has accumulated along with the pounds of excess bananas and nuts that I have become of late. Do you see how your food behaviors become how you think of yourself? This can be a conversation that is not at the forefront of your mind, at least one that you would not share with a date or even a roommate, but it is there when you get quiet and it is not the voice of faith, nor does it make life in the least bit enjoyable. It is nice to enjoy a good meal. It is especially nice to enjoy a meal with friends. Nobody wants to have to eat alone, and especially do so in bed, in the middle of the night standing up in front of the refrigerator, or feel like hiding because they exist as a human being. When we have spent much of our lives looking to fill the hole inside of us with food, the wholeness of who we are becomes dependent on the size of this hole, and for that reason, most of us feel frighteningly empty the larger we become. This cycle is frighteningly limiting and excruciating if we are not questioning the feedback from this emptiness. How true is it really that because our thighs are larger than our wrists, we need to suffer today?

Making sense of our eating patterns is completely necessary to move us forward into life. Especially now when many people are struggling to find work, and discovering that stress can be a full time job, and therapists can be our bosses. What if you were to give up the shame and guilt around food altogether? Would there be a reason to live beyond food if you started now to create a life you love and to fall in love with the life you are living?

Question yourself starting with your eating habits.

• How do I want to feel for the next segment of time?
• What would I eat that could help me feel that way?
• When shall I eat to keep my mind and body in balance?
• Where shall I eat and with whom?
• Am I truly hungry, and if not, what else would feed me now?

Eat This, Not That!

If you have ever struggled with your weight, with digestion, depression, anxiety, cancer, ADD, diabetes, sleep disturbances, PMS, chronic fatigue, you may be well aware of the impact that your diet has on your condition. Awareness might fuel the decisions you make, but our culture is not designed to support a healing process, as our body requires for regeneration and detoxification.

Here are some basic guidelines that you can use to help you to heal, let go, and restore optimal balance from the inside out.

1. Chew Well
Avoid drinking your food whole. Make sure to chew your liquid and drink your food, to optimize digestive juices and help you to slow down in your life.

2. Healthy Fats
Replace margarine, vegetable oil, butter with Olive Oil, Ghee, Flax and Borage Oils and Avocado.

3. Cactus Sugar
Relieve your liver of the sugar invasion and allow your lymph system to let go on a deeper level. I recommend Agave Nectar which has a low glycemic index and is gentle, yet detoxifying for the colon.

4. Snack
Rather than reaching for coffee, which is taxing to the adrenals and exacerbates the colon, calm your mind and soothe your intestines with some protein or a green drink mid-morning or afternoon. Your system will experience a lift, and your mood will be increasingly positive as you keep your blood sugar balanced.

5. Breathe.
Before and after you eat, take time to center yourself, let go of toxic emotions and come into the body. Relaxing around food and mealtime will open your digestive system up to receiving the food.

Keep coming back to read more ways to relax your way to radiant health.
Namaste,
Waller

Sugar Shocked!

Well, 5 years or so off of sugar will make one happy to be alive. No wonder I have been over a decade without taking pills, alcohol or even needing to see the doctor!
Something in me decided to try again, to explore adding in sugar. And bread and milk and cheese. Oh my. Having been full-on gluten free vegan for many years, this was a crash course in what I call: "How not to eat". My mantra right now is: oops, I've done it again. And my affirmation is: I have been here before and I am going to make it. I feel crazy, but my coach reminded me of simple wisdom: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" --Lao Tse, yet it never says in what direction. There is no good or bad food, it all just is. Just as our energy is constantly expanding and contracting, so is life.

I may not be where I would like my body to be, but I am ok with it. I heard recently someone referring to a glitch in American culture is that we "ain't ever satisfied". Seriously, in Los Angeles, you don't see many people staying at home, they're all in their car trying to get someone, to improve themselves, to be better, richer, fitter and ultimately, more human. A part of our condition is to want to improve upon who we are, what we know, how we live. Isn't knowledge key to our development? A former client, who is a chiropractor in New York sent out a newsletter this month with a definition of radiant health being resilientcy and pro-active self development. This resonates fully with me where I am now.

I may be making mistakes, but I am taking my life back from a limited viewpoint. I may have put on more weight than I am comfortable with, but I keep coming back to my yoga mat and accepting myself where I am now. I may have cravings for sugar, and really to be bad. But I am making a commitment to have limits with myself. There are many reasons that I want to take care of myself, but most importantly is because I want to learn and experience life to the best of my ability and I function better when I eat well.I am about to begin the final section of my bachelor's degree in psychology. I have a few months left before I finish my coaching training and I am 1/3 way complete with a yoga teacher training. I want the energy and focus that I know is available to me when I prioritize my self care.

I know that as I take care of myself, that I inspire others to do the same. I asked a new friend who is in treatment with anorexia yesterday, who would you be if you were not concerned about your body and food all of the time? This inspired me to answer it in my own life. Recovery is not about finding what is wrong about ourselves, but going inwards to discover the fruits of our remarkable resolve lies deep within our heart. Our heart is a part of a global heart, and by resting peacefully within, we offer a blessing to the planet. Recovery is about living in the middle, connecting with our values and living from a place of serenity. Like I said before, I will do what will not have to be undone. There are so many ways to say: Take care of yourself today for a better tomorrow.

Here are some commitments I am making to my life and to my recovery, for the benefit of past, present and future friends, family and clients:

I will do what won't be undone, and that starts with how I treat my body.
I will eat as if in full view of others.
No matter what, I will not eat sugar. You will be the first to hear about it when I want to, and I will trust that nothing is bad enough to face and everything is better when I am free from mental and physical angst that sugar induces.
I will do my best to take care of my needs better each day.

I wish you a peaceful heart, strength and courage and resiliency, for the wisdom to start where you are loving yourself as never before.

Shanti,
Waller

The Struggle is the Blessing

In reaching out, I find there is always a friend. It is in reaching in, that we can scare ourselves away from the light that is always available to us. Where are you reaching? What are you looking for when you go within? If there are parts of you that are unhealed–and if you are human there most certainly are–then there may be an urge from within to pick apart the parts of you that need light.

This post was inspired by a blog I have found by a woman who works with eating disorders: Crystal Heiderich
She writes letters to herself to shed light upon the gifts in the parts of herself that may have found unhealthy outlets, and in so doing discovers her gift.

Here is my gift to my body today, which is in need of some deep healing and restoration.

Dear Body,
I hear you. I hear you are tired. I hear you want me to love you and to be gentle with you. I hear you want to have fun, to enjoy life, to connect with friends, to be in nature, to practice and teach yoga and to find balance. I hear you want to find a place to live that satisfies your soul and a healthy community. I hear you have been afraid of growing up, and instead you have used food to hold you back.
I hear what you want is to be in the joy of life, to relax and trust, to work at what you love, to love being in your body, to be in the moment and to move forward into life from this moment on with your head up and feeling supported.
I give you permission to come out and play. I give you permission to follow your heart–to inspire others to enjoy being in the body and in the process reconnect with the love inside of you.
I promise to be gentle with you from this moment on. I promise to ask you before I feed you what you need and to take deep breaths as I move through the day. I promise to check in with your feelings and to not move you too far out of your comfort zone. I promise to allow you to play on a daily basis, to laugh and sing and dance and spend time in nature and with friends. I promise to allow your energy to be used as you teach what you love and live free for all and for good. I promise to speak about what I want to bring about and keep your conversations in a positive and inspired light.
images-3
I love you and others love you and you are precious to the world. The world is waiting for you to come out and shine. I am here and so are your friends and family to receive the positive messages stored deep within your soul. Let it out. Let your self shine. Be yourself, in all of your splendor and radiance.

Here is a daily prayer that I am using these days to remind me of truth:
July__, 2009
The day when God’s grace awakens your heart and touches your Soul.
I will live my life with gratitude and faith in trust that I am being guided and supported in being happy and healthy. I am safe to express myself and to be me.
I forgive myself and all others for all mistakes. I release all stress and struggle or temptations to feel incomplete. I am whole, perfect and complete.
I surrender to a more effortless life and move forward on solid ground to creating a deeply satisfying, nourishing and abundant life. Thanks be to God! And so it is.

Namaste,
Waller

Radiant Health

Another day to feel healthy, happy and free. I lived for so long with anxiety and severe inner turmoil that I marvel at the experience of life these days. It's amazing that here doesn't seem to be a monster inside of me trying to digest what is wrong and the sensation of never feeling quite right. As soon as I went gluten free, this negative energy shifted in me and my body relaxed. Food finally agrees with me and I am so grateful to be able to be free around food which translates to greater freedom in life! If only I had recognized this when I was 15, it would have saved me 12 years of struggling with anorexia and bulimia.

This morning was spent practicing a sequence from Donna Eden's Energy Medicine for Women
Her sequences have changed my life and transformed my body almost as much as going gluten free has. I struggled to find balance in my life for many years, and when I started incorporating Donna Eden's Feel-Good Energy routine into my morning practice, my weight normalized, hormones balanced, and my energy has been much more sustainable and positive.
If you are struggling with depression, moodiness, anxiety, any form of eating disorders, menopausal or PMS symptoms or other issues of hormonal imbalance, or just feeling like you are not inhabiting your body fully, Donna Eden's Energy Medicine is a powerful method of self-healing.

Wherever you are in your life or recovery or relationship to your body, giving up gluten can help to feel better overall and create radiant health. I was not officially diagnosed celiac, however diagnosed with diabetes, epilepsy and peripheral neuropathy, and besides that, basically so stressed out that my nervous system was in a state of panic and overwhelm for many years. It took me years to discover the gluten connection. I ran into an old friend, who had recently been diagnosed celiac, and his description of his recovery sounded like something I could use. So, I gave up gluten, and experienced health, clarity, focus, sustainable energy and a relaxed digestive system for the first time ever.

I experimented going back on gluten for a brief period and many symptoms came back. Starting specifically with compulsive overeating. It seems as if the gluten took away my body's ability to register food in the system, as well as balanced blood sugar. When I gave up gluten, I felt stronger inside and out. ADD symptoms went away, digestive system started functioning and I joined what felt like the real world. Rather than walking around feeling like my stomach was inside out and upside down, and my mind distressed most of the time, I felt, aaaah, that sense of ease and flow, grace and groundedness that I now recognize as radiant health.

Today, I am grateful to be in my body, and feel safe and secure around the food I eat. What a miracle to sit down to eat and not react, but enjoy the food and especially the feeling afterwards--that of vitality and radiant health. I even eat chocolate for breakfast, and a bit for lunch today! That is in a homemade "Chi-re-al" breakfast mix that I created yesterday, and a bit of a gluten free, casein free raw chocolate bar that I keep around for days like this. What a day to create radiant health, to enjoy that happy feeling within and to keep looking forward to many more to come!

Gluten Free and Happy to Be

Have you seen Peter Tremayne's new book, ‘The Essential Gluten Free Guide?' I've read the whole thing and there's some great information in there about how to live an enjoyable life without gluten or wheat. I highly recommend it - it's very honest and straightforward and contains some really interesting ideas I’ve not come across before. Here’s the website where you can get more information and download the book

Here is a post from my other blog, which I am officially moving over to this site.

You may be reading this because you have gone gluten free due to a health condition, or a current trend in dietary theory led you to discovering the impact that going gluten free can have on your life. Any information you are reading here comes from personal experience, along with research I have done on gluten free living. I suffered with ill health for many years, and was in a healing crisis when I was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy. Besides that, I could not hold on to weight, my blood sugar was all over the place, I had severe anxiety followed by depression and finally had a series of seizures. All of this and I still did not get it, neither did doctors. I was told “anorexic”, after having no problem consuming as much food as possible. I spent an exorbitant amount of time and energy on trying to find foods that agreed with me, and I settled on soy and a grain based diet, only to discover I was allergic to soy, and many of the foods I was eating. No wonder for the strange health conditions which seemed to be popping up all over the place!

Then I ran into an ex-boyfriend, who, when we were together, liked his beer and hangovers, while I was a bulimic in action. Together, we suffered silently separately, but came together and thrived on the possibility of not having to be alone and miserable. He had been diagnosed celiac, and told me about his recovery process. At the time, I was severely underweight, and still trying to figure out the food. And then…I cut out gluten. My symptoms went away, my weight normalized, and I found a way of eating that worked for me.

Here is how I went gluten free.

1. I cut out gluten.
2. I felt better.
3. I felt much better.
4. I learned to cook without gluten.
5. I felt free around food, less moody and compulsive, grounded with a flow in my spine.
6. I continue to feel better following a gluten free lifestyle, which does not include restricting the delicious options available.

The rest is history. Every day, I create, convert and customize recipes that fit in with the gluten free living. Some work, some need work, but there is always room for more gluten free options in the world. I am currently offering a Chi Bar–a gluten free, dairy free, soy free, sugar free energy bar that is spreading like wildfire. If you want to learn more, or order one or a dozen, email me @ waller@createradiance.com

Stay tuned for my new website, coming out in the next week, which will offer gluten free guides, guidance, recipes, relaxation techniques–a sort of healing reservoir for recovering your health from an addiction, stress condition, or life in general.

With love,
Waller

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Splitting Up and Letting Go

My story has involved food for a really long time. It has been me and food, me and the latest fitness trend. Me and cooking for me and sleeping with me and food and waking with me and shame and severe embarrassment based on what I ate while I should have been sleeping and how I am never going to get out of this nightmare please help me Jesus! Wooha! I can't breathe, can you?

Lately, it's been a bit insane. So, I set out on an adventure in intuitive eating, and it's been a bit of a mad house. I used to wonder why I wanted to kill myself and so used food to act out a really tragic love story between a really cool girl and the love of her life: food. I used to think the tragedy was over once I gave up being bulimic a few years ago. If you have ever transcended the urge to vomit after you eat, I know how hard it can be, but rewarding at the same time. I went years binging and not purging, having absolutely no desire to do so, as if it left me altogether, so if you are reading this and still struggling, I promise you that there is a solution. I don't have it for you, but I am more than happy to share my experience with you. You can email me at waller@createradiance.com.

So no more vomiting. No more restriction. What's left? Is this monstrous appetite that seems to be growing more and more each day. As I do so, I acknowledge the areas that are lacking: no intimacy. Mmm. Food tastes even better. No sex. Not in many years. Don't tell. The food tastes really good.

I am working on a cookbook to exhibit my love affair with food. At least perhaps it will help to put this segment of life behind me. I hope so! Stay tuned for the release of Recipes for Radiance due to be out by the end of the year. It's going to be really juicy, filled with inspiration and guidance on how to cook to balance your energy, mood and life.

Truth be told I don't know Much!

Hi, My name is Waller and I am breaking free from being compulsive around food. I see clearly where I want to be--moderately living, free from limitation or fears around food, while moderately eating, and enjoying life. Where I am now: most definitely enjoying life, while overeating. My body is rapidly expanding as I attempt to find the balance between food obsessions/limitations, Truth, and a way of eating that supports my well being.

I know I attracted lies, and information that limited my life for many years. I sought the world over, only to come back around and discover that I really don't know much and I am the only psycho in my bubble with the story of what foods I can and cannot eat and what life I am missing out on in the process of limiting myself. I used to like to travel, then I discovered macrobiotics and could never quite perfect myself for long enough to stay out of the house, and every time I tried, I went back home to the brown rice.

This next segment of life is an attempt to eat whatever I want to when I want to, and enjoy the process of breaking free from food prison. I truly can't believe I am still alive, besides not being vegan any longer, and I see and feel from the bottom of my heart that the best is yet to come!

Day to Create Radiance

I am en route to recording my life for you all to see. Here is my day, the beginning of the rest of my life.

I awake feeling well, healthy and happy. I am learning to love myself no matter what. I am learning that my self-worth does not depend on the size of my body, nor upon how or what I feed myself. Sometimes healing comes through the most unusual route, and I need to feel like I am bad in order to feel uniquely myself. Sometimes being bad is what I need to be me!

I have certain rituals that I stick with no matter what, that help to balance my energy in a positive way. Most every morning, I spend my time from 6 or 7 until 8 am in this way:

1–Awaken to thank God, for friends, family and the ability to breathe and create my day!

2–Tongue Scraping–releases toxins from yesterday and prepares the palate to recieve a whole new day!

3–Splashing face with cold water 20 x–I don’t even wash my face! This is an ancient beauty secret and is divinely refreshing!

4–Drink warm water, take supplements. My current supplement of choice is called Rhodiola, Vitabase Health Supplements “shown to help improve declining work performance, sleep problems, lack of appetite, irritability, headaches, and fatigue which were the result of intense physical or intellectual stress. Other research confirmed improved cognitive function, a stronger immune system, enhanced athletic performance, and reduced stress.”

5–Donna Eden’s Feel Good Energy Routine, taken from

6-The Five Tibetan Rites
7–Put breakfast on the stove…

8–Walk Jake, the 7 year old whippet!

9–Have breakfast, enjoy it, clean up and start my day in a positive way!

This is the day to recover my life from any thoughts that tell me I am not whole, perfect or complete. Just for today, I will live my life in accordance with my values, I will honor my body, I will be gentle with myself, I will love more and live free from the eating disorder, anxiety or depression. Thank you, God!